Why? Because I haven’t blogged for a long time and I was going to start with an apology (well in my head I was), but having reflected on it somewhat, I decided against it.
So why did it even pop into my head to do so and moreover, am I wrong, should I apologise? I don’t owe you anything, it’s not like I’ve made any promises. I’ve been busy with a new job, the house move, daughter flying the coup (temporarily off to University and we all know how that boomerang lands), so in reality, logically, there’s really nothing to apologise for. Except deep down there’s still that urge, that overriding urge, to say that one little word, “sorry”.
Maybe the need is related the guilt of letting life get in the way, of a promise I made to myself, an unwritten expectation of ‘more’, more ‘production’ or ‘fulfilment’, which I have ‘failed’ to deliver. Maybe it’s that I’m British and therefore my need to apologise is based on a supposed ‘societal expectation’, similar to when we bump into each other accidentally moving between cinema seats, getting off a bus or in a crowded store. We Brits (not exclusively and a generalisation I know), do say ‘sorry’ a great deal and in other cultures this is considered odd, or weird. Why should we apologise for something we haven’t done, or something we didn’t do on purpose?
This lead me to research the reasons why we Brits so do, and my first Google ping landed on this BBC article “Why do the British say sorry so much“, which is good short read and introduction to the topic. My Google search results were aplenty and brief glance down them showed there’s not only many articles written about, as well as research performed on the topic, but quite a few which also describe the history of the word, other cultures that apologise, and even evidence showing that apologising to a stranger actually builds trust.
The BBC article also confirmed another suspicion concerning my need to apologise, which is that I’m female. It has been shown that particularly in the workplace, females generally apologise more than men. It was something I was given feedback on a few years ago, that and my need to giggle when nervous and my use of humour to deflect. Oh and the clear extravert behaviour, an extreme lack of confidence, all of which detracts from my ability to always be able to find something insightful and sometimes, provocative (in an innovative way), to say.
The BBC article helpfully points clues as to why we do, that our need to say sorry does partly come from British society values that we should show respect without imposing on someone else’s personal space, and without drawing attention to oneself. This topic is explored more detail in this article by the Child Mind Institute “Why girls apologize too much“. In the article, a theory is proposed as to what girls might be ‘told’ by society that might be different to men – one suggestion given is that we are told to “be assertive, but only if it doesn’t upset anyone else“. Ahhhh, ok, so that resonates and chimes deeply with my own thought patterns (as explored in my previous article on the “Imposter Syndrome“).
Another topic covered in the article concerns a stealthier version of apologetic language, called “hedging”—which is not exactly apologizing, but still expressing a lack of confidence. An example of which is to say “I might be wrong, but I think……..“. An expression I have also used in (usually male dominated) management meetings many, many times.
I have mentored many women in the early to mid careers who have also fallen into the same linguistic ‘traps’ and who have been given the same feedback as I. When I’ve thought about our commonalties, we are, as the Child Mind Institute article confirms, generally women who don’t play by the rules and so often experience negative social and professional feedback. So I’ve worked with my mentees to explore their own ‘tics’ and unconscious behaviours to understand the underlying reasons, the triggers and unhelpful patterns of behaviour causing the lack of confidence, or perceived ‘bossiness’. How to persuade not push, to get their point across in a way that’s heard, but that doesn’t diminish either. The need for some self-love and a break from being so hard on ourselves (male or female) once in a while (see my blog post Why a Rubik’s cube is my ‘soul object’).
The Child Mind Institute article gives some great hints and tips too – especially around when to apologize, when not to, and how to express our thoughts to others in a more direct and positive manner, whilst still being polite, of course. The downside of not doing so is that overuse of any word demeans or belittles that word when said in earnest. In demeans and belittles the person’s contribution to society and perhaps more worryingly, can mask their true ability.
In my experience, using clear, direct language is a powerful tool and the impact of getting it right, and wrong, should not be underestimated. Sending the right message in a self-assured way, proud of who we are and comfortable expressing our thoughts and ideas is such a needed and positive attribute.
And so I’m not sorry about not apologising one bit.
All Things Bright and Beautiful... 